Thursday, April 24, 2014

I am who I am

Something I have ALWAYS lacked is self confidence.  I constantly second guess who I am, what I really believe, what I want to be when I grow up...I even question stupid stuff like the amount of makeup I wear (or don't wear), the car I drive, the movies I like or dislike, my thriftiness, how I'm raising my kid, the restaurants I love, the music I listen to, the things I say during conversations....

It's exhausting.  I come home from a social event, or even the grocery store, and wonder "Why did she say that to me?  Am I wrong to think that way?  I wish my clothes looked like that.  Why don't I live my life more like that?  What must they think about me?  What do they say about me when I'm not around?"

Compare, compare, compare, doubt, doubt, doubt, fester, fester, fester.....

I hope I'm not alone in this.  Maybe in my intensity, but please tell me other women are unsure of themselves too....

So, a few days ago, I came home from one such event that caused me grief for the next 24 hours at least.  I had expressed an opinion on something I sincerely felt, had gotten a negative reaction from someone, had immediately doubted myself, and then had let it fester inside me until I felt sure I must be crazy.  I was talking to my husband about it and suddenly realized that most of the things I feel insecure about in my life are really things that I have consciously decided.  I don't go with the flow and follow the crowd.  At least in most cases.  I do what I do because I've seen that there is a choice, I've thought about it, and I've chosen something that makes sense to me.  I live an authentic life.  Or at least I try to.

I CHOOSE to be thrifty and cheap and save what little money we have to create memories rather than buy stuff.  I CHOOSE to skip the makeup and fancy clothes and instead spend more time outside, hiking, playing with my kid, reading, writing.  I like quilting and sewing.  I'd rather spend an evening at home reading a book next to my husband than attending a social event.  I like music that isn't mainstream.  I'd rather eat brussels sprouts than chocolate cake.  I love to go to art galleries.  I'd rather go backpacking than go on a cruise and be pampered.  I love to visit other countries and cultures.  I WANT to hear views that oppose my own so I can understand the world better.  I want to be a stay at home mom, not a career woman.  I'd rather be comfortable in my clothes than beautiful in what I wear.  I can't keep myself away from thrift stores.  I like to buy weird t-shirts.  I have gotten really into canning and preserving stuff from my garden over the last few
years.  I keep lists of anything you can imagine...  and IT'S OK!!!  I am enough!  I am who I am and I don't need to make excuses for myself or my behavior or my opinions.  Is this so stupid that I'm 31 and just now coming to this conclusion?

And just so I'm not misunderstood, I also believe the best part of this is that everyone has the choice to live their authentic life too.  The stuff that I choose isn't going to be the best choice for anyone else.  We might overlap in some areas, but one of the beauties of life for me is watching how other people choose to live their lives, what their strengths and quirks and interests are.  I'm probably a nerd, but it fascinates me a little bit.  I'm just realizing that as I'm watching other people, I need to STOP the comparing and see the value in my own life.

"It is better to live your own destiny imperfectly than to live an imitation of somebody else's life with perfection."
-ancient Yogic text

"I believe in being what I am instead of what sounds good to the rest of the world....
a friend reminded me that you only have to talk about what you DO for five minutes at parties, but you have to LIVE what you do every day of your life, so better to do what you love, and forget about how it looks."
- Yolanda O'Bannon in This I Believe II



I can't tell you how hard it was to push the publish button on this one....

3 comments:

  1. I'm so glad you are you, and that I can also be myself around you. As of late, there's not many people I care to talk to or be around, but you are on my list of faves.

    I think it's important to remember that we are all human. We live in a society that tells us what we're supposed to be and how we're supposed to act. Of course there are certain manners to have and common rules to live by, but how boring would it be if we were all the same?

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  2. Your words are so very true. I agree totally. Well written and thanks for the thought for today.

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  3. I think I will resort back to this post often when I'm having bad days. I love your perspective. For reals. You're like a wisdom filled quotable person. And I love who you are :) I want to be like you. Is that comparing?? Oops.

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